It's hard to classify, and categorize "regret" in my life. There's a lot of things that I feel like I should regret, but regret insinuates an emphasis on living in the past, and I believe we should be concerned with the present. And in the present, there is a LOT to be excited about.
But I can't help but think of some stupid mistakes that I made in the past. Things that I've done to inspire people to build up walls, and shut me out. Which makes my heart sad, simply because one of the mantras I "attempt" to live by, is to be a friendly, loving, peacemaker. But I tend to be subconsciously fickle, and often re-align my priorities, and leave people on the back burner, and I don't find out that I've created emotional wounds until it's too late.
Part of this is simply the fact that I'm miss understood, and I don't have an intentionally malicious bone in my body. Seldom, if ever do I do ANYTHING to someone out of spite. In fact, the idea of this behavior is sickening. But there are a handful of people (mostly women) who would disagree, and probably (if they were to be 100% honest with you), would have some very surprising and borderline terrifying things to say about yours truly. I think my intentions are always well, but they are poorly executed, and I've left people out in the cold, without meaning too, more than I care to acknowledge, or even think about.
Of these situations, 4 of them are real heart breakers. Ones that cut me deep, and situations that, if given the opportunity, I would go back and correct some specific actions to prevent the creation of the resentment pool that I'm now forced to wade in. No matter how things are, there's nothing I can do to go back and correct things. And the sick part about it is, that if I did, I probably wouldn't be in the position that I am now to marry the woman of my dreams. It's hard to admit that the casualties of these dying/dead relationships were the building blocks to the life, and relationship I am living in now. Without having to learn hard lessons at the expense of others' emotions, I wouldn't be as equipped to face the trials of my current relationship and future marriage.
And as much as I've attempted to mend, and even surgically operate on these 4 failed friendships/relationships, it seems that the simple truth is... things change. People make choices, and move on. Sometimes, what seem like life long friendships, and connections just wither and die. It's how we're created. Part of it is my selfish ambition, and misguidance, but I can also rest the other part of the blame on the hard hearts of those on the receiving end of my foolishness. After all, I cannot, nor will I take all of the blame. At some point, people have to CHOOSE to feel hurt, or choose to look past a situation, see through it, and forgive. Some people chose to forgive on the "surface", but harbor resentment, and hide emotions, and think that I don't pick up on it. I'm smarter than that. I can't always pin point the problem, but I can ALWAYS tell when there is one no matter what. So, I take the hint, and back off.
To those 4 people, (3 of which will most likely be reading this at some point), I apologize for taking advantage of you, and your fragile hearts. I can only take partial blame, but I will carry the burden. I'm sorry, and I appreciate all of you. With your your examples as help, I will not make the same mistakes again. The woman who I am marrying is prepared to take me for who I am, and see me grow, and nurture me through my shortcomings. And I will do the same for her. She sees me the way Christ sees me, and the way you should have. No more regret, no more wondering what would have been. In the most loving way, I say to you. "What was, or could have been is dead, and buried. Rest in peace".
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