My Mind's Been Goin' Through Them Changes...

It's hard to classify, and categorize "regret" in my life. There's a lot of things that I feel like I should regret, but regret insinuates an emphasis on living in the past, and I believe we should be concerned with the present. And in the present, there is a LOT to be excited about.

But I can't help but think of some stupid mistakes that I made in the past. Things that I've done to inspire people to build up walls, and shut me out. Which makes my heart sad, simply because one of the mantras I "attempt" to live by, is to be a friendly, loving, peacemaker. But I tend to be subconsciously fickle, and often re-align my priorities, and leave people on the back burner, and I don't find out that I've created emotional wounds until it's too late.

Part of this is simply the fact that I'm miss understood, and I don't have an intentionally malicious bone in my body. Seldom, if ever do I do ANYTHING to someone out of spite. In fact, the idea of this behavior is sickening. But there are a handful of people (mostly women) who would disagree, and probably (if they were to be 100% honest with you), would have some very surprising and borderline terrifying things to say about yours truly. I think my intentions are always well, but they are poorly executed, and I've left people out in the cold, without meaning too, more than I care to acknowledge, or even think about.

Of these situations, 4 of them are real heart breakers. Ones that cut me deep, and situations that, if given the opportunity, I would go back and correct some specific actions to prevent the creation of the resentment pool that I'm now forced to wade in. No matter how things are, there's nothing I can do to go back and correct things. And the sick part about it is, that if I did, I probably wouldn't be in the position that I am now to marry the woman of my dreams. It's hard to admit that the casualties of these dying/dead relationships were the building blocks to the life, and relationship I am living in now. Without having to learn hard lessons at the expense of others' emotions, I wouldn't be as equipped to face the trials of my current relationship and future marriage.

And as much as I've attempted to mend, and even surgically operate on these 4 failed friendships/relationships, it seems that the simple truth is... things change. People make choices, and move on. Sometimes, what seem like life long friendships, and connections just wither and die. It's how we're created. Part of it is my selfish ambition, and misguidance, but I can also rest the other part of the blame on the hard hearts of those on the receiving end of my foolishness. After all, I cannot, nor will I take all of the blame. At some point, people have to CHOOSE to feel hurt, or choose to look past a situation, see through it, and forgive. Some people chose to forgive on the "surface", but harbor resentment, and hide emotions, and think that I don't pick up on it. I'm smarter than that. I can't always pin point the problem, but I can ALWAYS tell when there is one no matter what. So, I take the hint, and back off.

To those 4 people, (3 of which will most likely be reading this at some point), I apologize for taking advantage of you, and your fragile hearts. I can only take partial blame, but I will carry the burden. I'm sorry, and I appreciate all of you. With your your examples as help, I will not make the same mistakes again. The woman who I am marrying is prepared to take me for who I am, and see me grow, and nurture me through my shortcomings. And I will do the same for her. She sees me the way Christ sees me, and the way you should have. No more regret, no more wondering what would have been. In the most loving way, I say to you. "What was, or could have been is dead, and buried. Rest in peace".

A List Of Other Things That I Am Looking Forward To...

Besides the obvious stuff that surrounds getting married, I'm just really looking forward to a lot of positive, and fun changes that comes with moving, and having a wife, and being stable. Here's a list of some of those things I'm really anticipating:

- Not being a couch/air mattress surfer anymore: I've been blessed with amazing friends throughout this whole dating/engagement process who have been so gracious and generous to let me stay with them. There are great benefits to that, namely, they are not charging me rent so I can save for stuff, and since I just had a job change. But I can't wait to sleep on a real bed, in a bedroom with furniture, and a gorgeous wife beside me. That's a bit better than an air mattress, laundry baskets/suitcase on the floor, and a pillow to snuggle. :)

- Football season: Cowboys are making a solid run this year. Period. AND, since the Superbowl is in Dallas this year, we are all planing to tailgate as a family no matter who's playing, because honestly, why wouldn't you do that if you only lived 20 minutes away from the super bowl?

- Road trips, and camping trips: I am long overdue for a camping trip, and Erin and I are planing to go camping for a weekend once the weather cools off! I am thrilled about this. :) We are also planning to go to the balloon fiesta in New Mexico in October.

- Our first Thanksgiving and Christmas together: Yay, Erin won't be in China this year, so we'll be able to celebrate the Holidays together for the first time! We can decorate the tree together, and wake up on Christmas morning together, and see what Santa brought. And continue our tradition of monkey bread on Christmas morning. (We did that on fake Christmas morning last year).

- Having new things: I'm not a big materialistic guy. I've always been ok with hand-me-downs and used stuff, but it'll be nice to have good, new furniture, and have a "home". Erin's really good about wanting to make our place look nice, and feel homey. I am definitely looking forward to having a woman's touch in our place. My last place where I lived alone had 2 recliners, a small tv, a book shelf, small table, and nothing on the walls. Pathetic. :)

Those are the ones I can think of now! 45 more days. :)

LOOK MAW! I CAN READ!!!

So, I'm not much of a reader. Anyone who knows me, especially my family knows, I've maybe read a total of 6 books to completion in my entire life. Most of which being a school assignment, or kids books, like The Indian in the Cupboard. I think the longest book I've ever read to completion was The Catcher In The Rye, which was a school assignment, and the only one I actually enjoyed. But even that one, took me a couple of months of sporadic reading when I could. I've never sat down, opened a book and read it without stopping. That is... until this weekend.

Erin's friend Leanne recommended a book called The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It's part of a trilogy, and Erin read it and loved it. Which I expect from Erin, because she's a bookworm, and just enjoys reading, period. She recommended the book to me, even though knowing that I don't enjoy reading much. I kinda hinted that I might give it a try at some point, but never "really" had any intention of reading it. Erin had read both books fairly quick. The 3rd one doesn't come out until the end of this summer. She is REALLY anticipating it because the second one apparently has a nasty cliffhanger. I don't know yet... I imagine I will soon. :) It's kind of humorous to think that Erin and I will most likely be fighting over who gets to read the book first. Who would have thought THAT would ever happen?

So this past Saturday, I had absolutely ZERO plans, which was kind of a first. I could have drove over to Erin's and hung out over there, and helped her around the house, but she was having a chill day as well, so we decided to save the gas. I got up kind of early, and there was a copy of The Hunger Games laying around the house. Sarah and Jen (whom I live with) were both into the books, and just finished reading them (I even think Jen read them like 4 or 5 times. She's even more of a reader than Erin). So I picked it up, and gave it a glance. I knew it was suppose to be a good book, so I figured I would read the first chapter or two and see if it was worth investing in, because I didn't have anything else to do, and I wasn't about to sit around and watch TV all day, and I didn't want to drive anywhere.

The first chapter was pretty basic. Just setting up a scene. It was intriguing enough at first. By the end of the first chapter, I was already hooked! The preview of the synopsis was brilliant, and I couldn't wait to find out what happened next. Form what I've experienced in my limited novel reading career, chapter ends/beginnings generally seem to be natural shifting points. Sort of a break in the story, almost telling you "Go ahead and put me down for a minute and go grab a soda, I'll be right here". This book was FAR from that. Each chapter end was seemingly designed to tell you "If you put me down, I will come after and kick you in the face. Now stay here, and let's finish this thing buddy"! I couldn't stop. I'd get to the last couple of paragraph's of each chapter and "think" this would be where I can stop, but the last 3 sentences just screwed me up! It was like I was being lured, just like a fish. I almost felt helpless! But who was I to care? It's not like I had anything going on.

After the third chapter, I finally decide to take a break and escape to quieter, more secluded location. I end up rushing down to the nearest coffee house (Not a Starbucks Mom, don't worry), and I buck up on the nice plus chair, and set my feet on the table. I got there about 10am. I had a small breakfast that morning, but I got really hungry around noon. I couldn't leave to go get lunch though! I even justified my hunger, and willingness to not even eat a bite the rest of the day because one of the main themes in the book was hunger, and I even felt more connected to the characters when I was reading the book completely starving. But by about 3:30-4:00, I had to go get something.

I rushed back home, and made some sammaches, and chips, and locked myself in my room until about 11pm, until I couldn't even keep my eyes open anymore. I was only 3 chapters from the end! Luckily I stopped right before the grand climax! I end up having plans on Sunday all day, but Sunday night I came home and read all but the last chapter, and finished the whole book the next morning on the way to work on the train.

I imagine that next Saturday will probably be a similar situation with the second book. We'll see. I can't wait to dig into it. I'm almost afraid to start in during the week, because I may not sleep. Hahaha. Look at me, Mr. Anti-reader finally found something he's obsessed with! This may just be the thing to turn me into a reader after all. :)

Diarrhea Of The Mouth...

If you've known me for any length of time, you probably know that I've been famous for sticking my foot in my mouth. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. Sometimes, it's no big deal. Other times, a simple misunderstanding can be a game changer.

I tend to be a bit of an over thinker. Maybe it was my childhood. Maybe it was the fact that I went through a string of bad relationships, including a marriage, and I tend to second guess everything. I've taken leaps of growth in this area of my life. But even a simple statement on my part, can alter someones perception of me, or of other people.

Now there's several specific situations (recent ones) that I could sight... but that wouldn't be very wise considering that I'm trying NOT to stick my foot in my mouth and cause any unnecessary problems. It just seems that in this area of my life, I tend to have been beating my head against the wall lately. And it's never intentional. It always comes from a good place in my heart.

I tend to not really stand up for much. So I guess in my mind, when I do take a strong, stubborn stance on something, I tend to assume that my opinion carries more weight than most people who just seem to complain about everything. I always have good/solid reasons for my stance, and it seems like the more I explain my position, and the reasoning behind it, the more I tend to spiral the conversation down until the whole thing explodes. Am I not an effective communicator? Can't my thoughts be seen for the purity, and simplicity in which they are intended? Why must people who are receiving my words only cling to certain ones, and not see the full picture of what I mean? I guess I make an effort to see to the heart of what someone is trying to say, and what they mean. There is something lost in this communication breakdown, and unfortunately, I seem to be the common denominator.

So, what's the solution? Do I keep my mouth shut, and not speak from my heart? Should I accept that some people, who are going down dangerous paths, just need to go it alone, and there's nothing I can do to stop? My intentions are to speak out of love and concern, not to rebuke a man or woman. Aren't we called to sharpen the thoughts of each other? Why must I be the one to concede to a debate, and admit that I'm the one with a narrow minded view point, when all I am doing is speaking love, and truth to someone I care for?

I always hate to admit when my Dad gives me pearls of wisdom. He's an interesting character, but he said something so simple that I already knew, but it was a gut check to me. "Sometimes you've just got to let people do what they're going to do, and be there to love them if and when they see the error of their ways". That wasn't word for word what he said, but that was the jist of it. Love people. Don't point out faults, and condemn a man for what you think is wrong. Just love on him or her, and let your love and compassion speak louder than your words. Be bold, but be gentle, and be compassionate and understanding, and pray for those around you.

The Countdown

So, it's only 65 days until me and the soon to be former Sandrick tie the knot! And boy, I'm I anxious!!! There's a lot to look forward to. Aside from spending the rest of my life with the most beautiful woman I know, there are also some great practical things that I am super stoked about!

Sharing income: This might sound selfish, but I am really looking forward to living in a double income household, especially since Erin and I are pretty similar in our spending habits, and we are actually budgeting to be OUT of debt, as oppose to going into debt like a lot of newly married couples do. Erin's the one that will be the money master. She's paying the bills, and deciding what we get to spend on what, and I get an allowance. Now, a lot of guys (or women) will tell you that they hate this idea. I LOVE IT. Simply because, I don't like dealing with money, and Erin does. She's volunteered for the job, and it works out to both of our benefit. So, I say yay. :)

Sharing a place: Erin and I have been pretty successful at being good kids throughout our dating period. We decided very early on that living together before marriage was not an option for either of us. This has taken a lot of sacrifice (mostly on my part), because we have been in several situations where living together would be very convenient. Of course the one big reason we don't live together is temptation, and just an overall lifestyle appearance. Even if I did live with her, and sleep in another room, it still gives the impression that we sleep together, which we don't. Period. Now this isn't to say that I haven't crashed on the couch at her place once in a while. But we make an effort to cut off temptation before it starts, and retire to separate sleeping quarters. And that's ok, but if I'm being honest, I haven't had the easiest time being ok with that. Erin is much more of a model of self control than I am, and I applaud her for that. I really admire her in that since. It speaks volumes to me really. But I am definitely looking forward to going to bed with my wife. :)

Taking on the masculine/feminine roles: We have already begun this process. And we've been pretty good at sticking to it. Now for those of you who aren't traditional, we are, and we believe that male/female roles were put in place for a reason; they work. Now that's not to say that we don't cross over. We are in a free relationship. Erin has embraced her role as female, and doesn't feel an obligation to do certain tasks but rather she feels a joy in serving me. She finds joy in taking care of me by paying bills, cooking, cleaning, and nesting. And in turn, I find joy in serving her, by doing things like garbage, cleaning, dishes, rubbing her feet, etc... We have found a balance to fulfil one another in those roles, and it's beautiful. :) I'm looking forward to doing it as husband and wife.

Entertaining guests: Right now, living separately, we're not really set up to have people over, and entertain. But our new place will be PERFECT for such a thing. We really want to have house guests, and dinner parties, and game nights. And we want to have them frequently. Our new place will be pretty centrally located, and closer to a lot of our friends. We want our place to always be a place where people can come, relax, eat good food, have a cold drink, and laugh. We believe in providing that for our friends, family, and neighbors. It's something that we plan on investing our time and money into, because it's what we really enjoy! :)

So, those are some things that I'm personally excited about. I'm sure Erin has her version. This woman and I are doing it right I believe. We have a lot to be thankful for, and we are most definitely blessed.